Having your husband leave you barely a year after your wedding is humiliating. Having him leave you for another man is worse. I spent months wondering if I had somehow failed or if I had driven him away from women. I blamed Andrew for misleading me and blamed myself for not seeing this coming.
We began dating late in our second year of college and quickly became exclusive. We married right after graduation. I was happy in our relationship, mostly satisfied in bed, and assumed that having checked off life's married box, I could now look forward to the successful career and motherhood boxes.
It took almost a year before the divorce was final. I was able to work out a way to keep the house we had just bought although money would be tight for a while. I could now look at the rest of my life and where it might go.
Friends helped me to face what had happened and why it wasn't going to unhappen. I found myself leaning a lot on Becca. We had worked together and had become friends early in my career. After she moved to another company, we remained close and I had attended her wedding to Katt.
Since Becca was lesbian, it might have seemed strange for me to complain about my husband coming out. Maybe though, she was the perfect friend to help me understand. She told me how she had thought she was gay as early as high school but denied it to herself and didn't have anyone to talk to about how she felt. Before she came out in college Becca had dated guys and told me that she still felt guilty, thinking that she had possibly misled them.
When we had "the conversation," Andrew kept apologizing. I was in denial about my life falling apart and wasn't ready to forgive him then. Now I wondered what might happened had he felt comfortable coming out before we got serious. I thought about his conservative parents and how happy they were when we announced our engagement. Maybe he was so busy seeking their approval that he didn't see what he was doing to me. Probably they suspected and were glad that he was marrying a woman.
Going to work hungover one morning, I decided that drinking was only going to add to my problems without solving anything. I needed to find a way to move on with my life so I tried counseling instead and found a good therapist.
A really good therapist who helped me to see what was and wasn't in my control. She got me to look less at what had happened and more about where I wanted to go instead. Did I want to start dating? What would it take for me to trust someone enough to think about remarrying? The career box was still okay but I needed to think about whether I wanted to recheck the marriage box and what about the one for motherhood?
Near the end of a weekly counselling session, she asked me to think about what I had lost by dating one guy for most of college and then marrying young. "What did you give up that you might have done if your life hadn't taken that direction?" She told me to think about it so we could talk about it next week.
I did think about it. A lot. On one hand, having grown up in a traditional family where I was taught that girls marry and have kids early, I was proud of finding someone so quickly. Some of my friends were blatantly jealous of me and if I didn't exactly gloat, I did quietly congratulate myself for winning one of life's battles.
But on the other hand, I was quietly jealous of my friends who used college as a time for fun, growth, and even experimentation. I wouldn't have wanted to try the pattern of friends who practiced serial monogamy, dating and sometimes sleeping with multiple guys each month. More common were the ones who would date a guy for several months, break up with him, and then look for someone else. It wasn't the number of guys I envied as much as the variety from which they were able to pick. Instead, I had sought commitment and assumed that breaking up would be a failure.
That's what I told my therapist the following week. She acknowledged my answer but pushed me further. What specific things might I have done if Andrew and I hadn't become a couple so quickly. My life became regimented early which probably locked me in for more than dating. Might I have changed majors? Run for student government? Done a semester abroad?
I admitted wishing that I could have joined two of my friends who were able to study in other countries. Maybe I would have joined some clubs if I hadn't had a boyfriend who I saw almost every evening.
Unfortunately, these were college experiences that, having missed my opportunity, I couldn't go back to try now. One thing I could do, she told me, was to not jump Immediately into another relationship, passing up more opportunities, until I was really sure of what I wanted. I hadn't played the field then but, if I wanted to, I could do that now. She reminded me that I didn't need to sleep with everyone I dated but that dating a range of guys would hopefully help me to find the real Mr. Right this time.
Dinner at Becca and Katt's. I told them about what my therapist had said and that, when I felt ready to date again, I wasn't going to get locked in to the first guy I slept with.
Katt smiled teasingly at me. "Are you sure it will be a guy?" Becca gave her an eyebrow raised glare.
I was used to Katt and her teases so I didn't take offense. "Yeah, pretty sure." I had some friends in college who experimented that way but I had a boyfriend and hadn't been tempted. I wouldn't have been tempted even without a boyfriend, right?
Was that right? I thought back to a party at Andrew's house where we were playing never-have-I-ever and truth-or-dare encouraged by lots of alcohol. Andrew's housemate, who could be weird when he was sober, tended to be an asshole when he was drunk and he dared my roommate to kiss me. She and I were also a bit drunk and with the encouragement of everyone else we did. We actually put on sort of a show, deep kissing and rubbing our boobs together. After, I was mad at Andrew's housemate, mad at Andrew for not stepping in, and mad at myself for going along with it.
My roommate and I never discussed it but I fessed up to Becca and Katt, telling them the story in what I thought would be an amusing way. Katt pushed me "Did you like it? Did you ever think about doing it again?
I gulped but told them the truth. It was nice in a way that was different from kissing a guy. I liked the way her lips felt and the softness of her body. But that was it. I was in a committed relationship and never thought about making out like that again with a guy or a girl.
Katt let it go but she got me thinking about some of my more daring friends who had experimented in college. It wasn't just sexual experimentation--they were just more willing to take risks than I had been. Being in a committed relationship might have actually been an excuse to live a safe life. Now that I wasn't in a committed relationship, might I be tempted to try different things like they had?" Was that included in what my therapist was asking about regarding catching up on things I didn't do in college? I would have to think about this one. A lot.
Continuing to surprise myself, I did think about it. I actually checked out a skydiving school before I chickened out. I considered some other exciting but less extreme activities but none of these appealed to me either. I also gave a lot of thought to my sexual history before and during my time with Andrew and what experimentation I might be willing to try. I've never had a one-night stand and maybe I should do that at least once. While I know of some sexual practices that sound hot, I'm not sure if they'd be as good in real life as they sound.
Katt's "are you sure it will be a guy?" question also jumped around in my head. I had always considered myself fully heterosexual but found myself thinking about when I had kissed my roommate. I finally admitted to myself how much I had liked it and wondered if she did. What might have happened if we had discussed it? I couldn't decide if I was really tempted or if this was just because I was still furious at Andrew and was looking for a way to get back at him.
There is no point in going to a therapist if you aren't going to be honest so I told her what I had been thinking about. She was non-judgmental but urged me to be careful and not just about jumping out of an airplane. I was still recovering from what I mostly viewed as a betrayal. Casual dating and maybe casual sex would be a good idea when I felt ready, but I probably wasn't ready to commit to a new relationship. I didn't feel ready for casual sex yet, let alone for something as complicated as experimenting with a same-sex relationship. Even if I was serious about that, she warned me that I could end up doing to some other woman what had been done to me by leading someone on. Once again, she gave me good advice and left me with a lot to think about.
Becca and I met up for lunch and she apologized for Katt's teasing. I told her it was okay and that, actually, she had gotten me wondering. She gave me her raised eyebrow look.
"Oh my God. You aren't thinking about it, are you?"
"Um. No. Maybe? I don't really know. Maybe thinking?"
"Oh my God."
"Yeah."
"What is it that you're thinking about? Do you just want to get laid in a different way or do you really think you might want to try a relationship with a woman."
"I'm not ready for a relationship with anyone but I think Amazon is suspicious about how often they're delivering batteries." So yeah, I think I'd like to try sex with someone other than my vibrator. Anyone. Almost anyone."
"Hmmm."
"Hell, I wouldn't even know where to start. I know that if I wanted to I can hit the bars on any weekend and probably find a guy to sleep with but I wouldn't know where to look for a woman if I did want to." I looked into her eyes remembering saying she felt guilty about misleading the guys she had dated before she came out and I remembered how I felt when Andrew first told me that he was leaving me for another guy. "If I was hooking up with a woman just to experiment, I'd want to make sure that she didn't think it was more."
I couldn't believe that I had actually said that out loud. Actually, I really couldn't believe that I was thinking it. I hoped I hadn't offended Becca.
"First, thank you for not wanting to just experiment without her knowing what she getting into. I have friends who have gotten hit on by bi-curious women and it really pissed them off when they discovered that they were just someone's fantasy." I nodded. "But, if you decide you want to pursue this, we should talk. I may have someone for you."
Gulp.
We all got busy at the same time so I didn't get together with Becca for a month or otherwise follow up. We were again having dinner but this time she and Katt came over to my place. Sex and dating didn't come up during dinner and I certainly wasn't planning to bring it up.
Becca was the one who finally raised the topic as we sat in the living room with our drinks. "So, Katt has a cousin who got really drunk at a family wedding last year and ended up confessing to the whole table that she wanted to try sex with a woman. Everyone was talking about what it was like being married and I guess she was influenced by how happy Bec and I are."
They looked at me waiting for a response. Since Andrew and I started dating in college, I've never had anyone try to set me up on a date with anyone. I wasn't sure how to answer so I gave an obvious response that would let me delay any possible commitment.
"Um. Tell me more."
They did, giving me the basic rundown. Katt's cousin Jaime was about my age and worked at another company in our field. Then they got into the interesting stuff. Jaime had been in a serious relationship and everyone figured that they'd get married. Something happened and they broke up. Until her outburst at the wedding, they assumed she was straight.
"Jamie might be straight. Maybe she was just having the post-breakup-attending-a-wedding-blues. Maybe she's bi-curious. Maybe she's really lesbian. I really don't know but since you both seem to be in an experimental state of mind, maybe you should meet and see if you're on the same wavelength. What the hell. What do you have to lose?"
* * * * *
Leaving all the sexuality stuff out of it, I was glad that I met Jamie. It turned out that we had a lot in common and could easily be friends. But, given why Becca and Katt introduced us, there was an underlying tension when we met. Katt had given Jamie the basics about me and she had agreed that it was worth meeting with no commitments from anyone about anything. Despite her wedding outburst, she wasn't really sure that she wanted to pursue this either.
Of course, none of that came up during dinner at their house. We just chatted about people we know in common, movies we'd like to see, and other non-threatening stuff. But, by the end of the evening, Katt smiled broadly when Jamie and I agreed to meet up for dinner later in the week.
* * * * *
It's not unusual for me to run into an appointment at the last minute but I admitted to myself that I was excited to see Jamie which is why I got there about twenty minutes early. I figured I'd grab a table where I could watch for her but instead, she was waiting for me when I came in. When we ordered drinks, she confessed that she didn't want to be late so she had intended to get there early. We smiled at the picture of both of us being OCD about not being late.
After we ordered, we continued with the no-risk "getting to know you" chat that we had started earlier. After a while, Jamie shifted gears for both of us. "I'm guessing that Becca told you about my big announcement at that wedding?"
I had been waiting for our conversation to move in that direction and I nodded. "Yeah, she did. Was that a real conversation stopper?"
"I think it distracted everyone's attention from the bride and groom. But maybe in vino, veritas." She smiled at me.
I smiled back. "I don't have the excuse of wine for blabbing out the truth. I'm guessing that Katt told you about my conversation with Becca?"
"Yeah. She told me that you were also curious but wasn't sure if you wanted to act on it. That's pretty much where I am too. Curious. Intrigued. Despite what I said at the wedding though, also sort of scared."
I recapped my life story for her--conservative upbringing, early exclusive relationship, early marriage. Quick divorce. Wondering what I had missed. My memory of my truth and dare kissing my roommate. She listened quietly as I spoke, nodding her head.
Then, she told me more of her story. She had dated guys in high school and college and was in what seemed like a serious relationship with a guy. "But it didn't feel right even though everyone kept telling me how lucky I was and how perfect we were for each other. I think both of us knew that something was wrong and it wasn't going to work out. Splitting up was mutual but it hurt when he almost immediately found someone else. I took a total break from dating instead."
Our food was served and we paused to eat. It gave me time to think about what was happening and what I would say next. When the server left, Jamie continued. "I think I was more surprised by my announcement at the wedding than anyone else. But it got me thinking."
"So, what is it that you're thinking? And what have you decided?"
"Well, I haven't decided anything. I know that I'm curious about women. I know that I'm tempted to explore. The thought of being with a woman is arousing to me but it's also sort of scary." She sipped her wine. "So, mark me down as confused."
"Me too. I'm surprising myself even by thinking about this. I've always assumed that I was straight and I think that I am. But I also know that the more I think about it, the more curious I am. It started with thinking about friends who experimented but it hasn't gone away. I'm fighting it but I'd probably regret it forever if I jumped into a relationship with a guy without at least working it out in my head about what I want. Honestly, it might not be fair to the guy and after what I just went through, I'm worried about hurting someone else that way."
We silently addressed our dinner with both of us deep in thought. Finally, she spoke. "I said that something was missing in my relationship and I don't know if dating a woman would be any different. It might just be me."
"But it might not."
"No, it might not. That's what I think I want to know." She smiled at me. "If nothing else, I might have some fun. I may not know until I try."
That got me thinking. Was experimenting just me looking for a different type of sex, like some of the people I knew who explored in college? Or just looking for sex at all? Or was I serious about looking for a relationship with a woman? I had no answers to my questions but I took a shot at it anyway.
"Yeah, maybe I'm just looking for fun too but I agree. I may not know until I try. The problem is that I'm terrifying of trying."
"Why terrified?"
Good question. "Growing up in a conservative family, I don't think I've ever thought that I wasn't straight." Thinking I may not be freaks me out even though it also excites me."
"And it would freak out your family?"
"Yeah, it definitely would freak out my family."
"I think I hear you. I've always assumed I was straight because I always assumed it. It wasn't my upbringing though since my parents were always pretty accepting of everyone. When Katt brought a girl home from school for a holiday, I don't think anyone cared." She shrugged. "They probably weren't surprised anyway."
We returned to our meals for a while before she said what I had been thinking. "It doesn't sound like either one of us is looking for a relationship and neither one of us knows for sure what we'd want in a relationship. I think we're both open to having someone to hang out and do things with." I nodded my agreement with that, again thinking that Jaime and I might just become good friends. "But we're both thinking that we're open to some type of experimenting, no strings attached. Maybe more than open to it--looking for it."
She had put her finger right on it. In my counseling, we had talked about what I had passed up in college by getting into a relationship so quickly. My friends had experimented with relationships and some of them had experimented with their sexuality. It wasn't just that I hadn't experimented at all, I hadn't even thought that there was anything to experiment with. Finding a guy, marrying him, and having his babies. I got the first two but I now saw that I had sacrificed some other things to reach that goal.
We looked at the dessert menu and ordered tiramisu with two forks and I responded back to her comment with a question. "When you talk about experimenting what does look like to you? Where are the limits?"
Dessert came and we dug in before she answered my question with a question of her own. "Do you remember the first guy you made out with?" she asked. Doesn't everyone? Of course I did but that wasn't what she meant. "Did you know what you wanted and how far you'd go?"
I had known and now I knew how naïve I had been then. "I wanted to kiss him on the lips but I wasn't really sure what it would be like. I was afraid that he'd want to feel me up and I absolutely wasn't going to let him do that." I smiled thinking back to 9th grade. "Kissing was great and he never moved his hands off this own lap so it was all good." I smiled again.
"Yeah, pretty similar. Each first experience, I felt excited by what I wanted to do but was also scared. I committed to myself what I would do and that there was no way I'd go past that. I wasn't great at communicating to the guy beforehand but it did work out."
"I remember wanting a guy to touch me and stuff but also being afraid of it. What if my mom found out? What would my friends say? Would he tell everyone in school and wreck my good girl reputation?" Being a teenager and dating were pretty scary.
"All that. I felt adventurous and nervous each time I tried anything new. Some guys were always trying to push my limits but I was pretty good at not letting them. I usually was anyway." She smiled at some memory but didn't let me in on it."
"I used to fantasize about doing things with guys but I was terrified to actually try most of them. I convinced myself that I should be proud for being the last one in my crowd to do anything."
"Plus, you had to worry about what he wanted. If you kissed him, would he grab your boobs? If you let him touch over your top, would he want to put his hand underneath?"
"Guys and girls were pretty much on different timelines for sure although I know some of the guys were scared too and some of the girls were pushing them instead."
"One good thing--there were a bunch of steps. No one thought that you started with sex. There was kissing, being touched different places, getting fingered, other stuff you could do along the way. The old thing about running the bases."
"So what you're saying is that we could do it like high school? Take things one step at a time?"
"Maybe? Let's think about that one."
Having something to think about, we called it a night. It turned out that we had parked in the same lot so we walked together to our cars. I wondered if she would want to kiss me good night and if I wanted to kiss her. I think I wanted to but had no idea if that would be okay with her. So yeah, I felt as confused as I was back in high school.
* * * * *
Even though Jaime and I were both intrigued about indulging our curiosity about women by experimenting, we didn't jump into it. We texted back and forth a bit and agreed to go to a movie together. Afterwards, we went for ice cream but we discussed the movie instead of picking up on the earlier conversation. I enjoyed spending time with Jaime and again thought that if nothing came out of us meeting but a new friendship, that would be okay.
A few days later, we met up at a gallery opening. Normally, that wouldn't be my idea of a night out but Jaime was pretty knowledgeable about art and she gave me a new way to look at it. We wandered through the gallery and after seeing everything that she wanted to see, she suggested that we go for a walk. We strolled through downtown, window shopping and chatting.
As we stood outside a department store admiring some of the clothes on display, Jaime brought us back to the topic that was right below the surface for me.
"So, have you done any more thinking about experimenting?"
"A lot of thinking."
"And what have you been thinking about."
"Honestly, I keep thinking about you." She smiled at that. "I've wondered what it would be like to kiss you."
"Mmmm. That's funny. I've been having similar thoughts. About kissing you."
"And?"
"And I think that next time we get together, we should kiss."
"I like that idea."
"And we can talk about what steps we might want to try beyond kissing. But we should make sure that we're both comfortable with that."
"And I think you're right."
It was getting late and we both had work the next day so we walked back to where we had parked near the art gallery. I went with Jaime to her car and we stood together talking about nothing particular. She had to go but as opened her car door, she leaned to me and gave me a quick kiss and we held each other briefly before she got into the car.
* * * * *
Jaime was travelling for her job for a few days and I had a major deadline coming up so we agreed that we'd get together when she got back from her trip. Regardless of where our experimenting led us, I liked having a new friend and I hoped that nothing would wreck that.
Being totally honest with myself though, I was kind of smitten for the first time in a long time and felt excited by that feeling. While Jaime was gone, I found myself getting excited each time I got a text and immediately looked to see if it was her. We ended up having a couple of long text conversations although they were more along the lines of how is your day going. We chatted on the phone on her last night away when she told me that she wanted to hear my voice. That was sweet but we kept the conversation on a low level instead of continuing where we had left off. We did decide that she would come over to my place the next night and that we'd order in.
Straightening up before Jamie got there and setting the table, I swung back and forth between looking forward to seeing her and being nervous about what might happen. So far, our conversation had touched on our sexual thoughts but neither of us seemed like we were pushing anything. I had no reason to think that it would change but might have felt more comfortable going into the evening if I had known what I wanted, let alone what she might want.
She got there at the same time that the food delivery guy showed up. Jamie had brought wine so she opened it while I got glasses and we dished out the food. She told a couple of funny stories about people she had met with and we groaned about a travel delay on her flight back.
Then, without any lead in, the conversation pivoted. "When we had dinner, you asked about what experimenting looked like and how we'd set limits. I still don't know if I have an answer for you but I'm thinking that if we decide we're going to play together--to experiment--we should agree that we both want to take it slow. One step at a time. We can agree on limits and both of us commit to respecting those limits."
Of course, I had also thought about what experimenting meant. Of course, I had thought about it a lot. I had even made a mental list of what steps there could be, which ones I might feel comfortable with, and where I would draw a line.
"Yeah, like in high school. But one big difference--I drew my own lines in high school but I don't remember ever having a conversation about them so we weren't necessarily on the same page. I think your and I are both ready to take some risks but I think we should agree where we stop so we're both comfortable."
"I absolutely agree with that. Also, we need to agree that either one of us can call for a break or a full stop if we're not feeling comfortable."
"Yes, that. Neither of us should feel obligated to do something that makes us uncomfortable. Maybe I might just need a minute to think about thing or maybe I just realized that we'd run into a hard limit."
"We have to be able to trust each other."
"We absolutely have to trust each other!"
"Trust has to grow but I feel like I trust you to stop."
"I will and I trust you too." I paused and looked at her. "I know that I want to kiss you some more" I blurted out.
"Oh good. Me too." She giggled. "We kind of did the other night since then but I've been wondering what really kissing you would be like."
Ah. So it wasn't just me who thought about that.
She continued. "Here's what I was thinking waiting for my plane to finally take off. What if we each separately write down what we're thinking we might want to do tonight and where our lines are? That way neither of us feels pressured by the other and we can find out if we're on the same page."
"Kissing for sure. Maybe more." I panicked a little at what she might think that maybe more meant so I clarified. "I think you know that I'm not ready to have sex. Not just you. I haven't had sex since Andrew left me and I'm not sure I'm ready for that with anyone." I hadn't said that to anyone but my therapist but I was feeling comfortable enough with Jaime that I could probably tell her anything.
"No. Please don't worry. We're not close to that. Neither of us are. One step at a time."
I got the pad that I used for my shopping list and tore off two sheets. I handed her one and she took a pen out of her purse.
"How detailed do we do this?" I asked.
"I'm assuming that this is going to start a real interesting conversation so as detailed as you think it needs to be."
"Okay." I leaned back for a minute, closed my eyes, and imagined us sitting next to each other on the couch, making out. Imagining my hands and her hands and where they might go. Finally, I picked up my pen and started writing. "I want us to kiss for a long time. Then if we feel comfortable, we can touch each other over our clothes. I'm not sure about taking off our tops and bras tonight but I do picture us topless while we're kissing so I don't rule it out. Maybe just not tonight. We'll have to see how we feel. But nothing else beyond that!"
I was still writing when I saw that she had finished and had folded the paper in half, placing it in front of me. She was smiling at me as I kept writing but didn't say anything. I finally finished and handed her my paper as I picked up hers.
"Kissing. Touching clothed. Maybe touching naked. High school make-out rule--keep your hands above my waist."
So, we were on the same page. I had been more detailed but she wanted to also take it slowly, step by step. Clothing may or may not come off but only if we were both ready for that.
We stood up, taking each other's hand and walked to the living room.
* * * * *
We sat next to each other on the couch with Jaime to my right. She reached over with her right hand and I grasped it with my left.
"How do you feel?" she asked.
"Excited but nervous."
"Same."
"I want to kiss you" I told her.
"I want to kiss you.
I let go of her hand and placed my arm over her shoulder. We turned to each other and for a while just looked into each other's eyes. Then, at the same moment, we leaned in and our lips met but she pulled back. It was more of a quick peck than a long kiss and I wasn't sure if that was it. It wasn't. She leaned back in and we kissed, separated, kissed, separated. We both giggled and then leaned into each other for what turned into a long kiss.
It took me a minute to realize that it was more than the softness of her lips and the gentleness of her kiss that felt different. It was also the first time since college that I didn't feel a mustache touching me. I put my arms behind her head and pulled her toward me.
We kissed for a while, then she pulled back and did a status check. "How are you doing?"
"I'm doing great!" I tell her. "How are you doing."
"I want keep kissing you."
"Me too." We did. Our mouths opened and our tongues met, pushing back and forth against each other.
My left hand moved from her neck to her side. As I slid it down, I was careful to avoid her breast. I could feel the side strap of her bra and placed my hand below it toward her waist. Her right hand mirrored my movement although she rubbed her fingers on my bra strap briefly.
Instead of resuming our lip lock, Jaime kissed the small of my neck and her fingers gently massaged my side. I love being kissed there and let out a soft moan. She stopped and smiled at me. "Like that?"
"I love that" I answered and I grinned at her. "You just discovered one of my special places for kissing."
"Mmmm. Good to know. I've got a few of those too."
"Good to know. I may have to look for them some time." She moved her mouth around and nuzzled the other side of my neck causing me to moan again.
She broke away and I decided that I'll play too. I kissed her right ear, licking around the earlobe and then quickly stuck my tongue in. Her body jerked and I pulled away. "Is that okay?" I asked.
"It's better than okay. You found the spot." She beamed at me.
I smiled back and then repeated what I had done to the other ear. Jaime placed her hand behind my head and guided me back toward her lips and we began another long, sensuous, beautiful kiss.
As we kissed, Jaime's hands ran up and down my side and then came to the hem of my top. When I got dressed this afternoon and picked what to wear, I had thought about whether and how my top might get removed. I wasn't expecting anything but just in case, I intentionally picked one that could be easily pulled up. Jaime didn't make any move to pull it up though. I returned my arms to her shoulders and massaged them, clearing the way for her to finger the hem and slide her fingers from the front to the side and to the back.
We broke our kiss again and pulled back slightly, gazing at each other. My hands grasped her shoulders and hers held my waist. Neither one of us spoke through the highly charged atmosphere surrounding us.
I've wonder about the symbolism of boobs. In my younger days, getting felt up was a really big deal. Later, a good night kiss became no big deal but letting a guy touch my boobs was a strong hint that we were heading for more.
Even though Jaime and I had included touching in our above the waist agreement, I was hesitant. I think I wanted to feel her hand touching my breast and I think I wanted to find out what caressing hers would be like. I was enjoying kissing her but, in my mind, touching would be moving to another step and it would be a big one symbolically. I wanted her to make the first move but I think she was waiting for me.
Continuing our shared gaze, we both giggled, hinting that we both aware of this and both wanted to do more. She finally spoke "I will if you will."
I felt my nipples growing erect and wondered if hers were too. "I'll let you if you'll let me" I responded. She nodded.
I slowly walked my fingers down from her shoulders and at the same time, felt her fingers inching up my waist. I stopped at the beginning of her cleavage as her fingers tickled my underboobs. I took the plunge and moved my hands down so that my fingers skimmed the top of her breast until I'm more or less above her nipples. She moved below my nipple line and I realized that she was trying to match my movement.
I spread my fingers over her chest then stuck out the index finger on my left hand and shifted it until I was sure that it was her nipple that I was feeling through two layers of clothing. I started to circle my finger around it when I felt a light touch on mine. I sighed and swiveled around slightly to give her more access. Jaime leaned back in to kiss me and we both tried to cup each other's mounds. We were still sitting on the couch facing each either with my left hand on her right breast and her left on my right.
I was in a kind of a sensory overload at this point. All of our build-up discussion and then our kissing had started to arouse me. I like being touched on my boobs and Jaime's fingers showed me just how much I missed it. She was gentle and as real sex is different from masturbation, having someone else touch me was much better than the (still nice) feel of touching myself.
She gave me a chest massage and when she went over my sensitive nipples, I let out a low whimper. It was nicer than guys who have pawed me. Her hands on my chest might have been different from a guy but being touched there wasn't an alien feeling. But, me touching her was very different. My first reaction was noticing how nice it felt. Maybe this is why guys always want to touch boobs. My second reaction was panic. Oh my God. I'm not just kissing her, I'm feeling her up. Does this mean I'm not straight? Are we going to end up in bed next? Third thought, it doesn't mean anything. We're experimenting, just playing. We said we'd take it one step at a time. This is just one small step for a girl, not a giant leap for girlkind.
Fourth thought. It feels nice. It feels really nice. Her breast is soft to my touch. Through her top, I can feel the edge of her bra but, more exciting, I can feel her nipples poking out. It's nice how each time I touch her nipple, she gives a soft sigh. Am I doing that too? I'm not sure.
Did I mention how nice touching Jaime's breasts felt?
As I played with her body, Jaime moved her fingers around and over me. They cupped my boobs and played with my nipples. They moved down my waist and again played with the hem of my top but she acted like she was shy about reaching under it. I decided that this time I'd take the jump. I slid my hands down her body to her waist and slid them back up but this time, underneath her top. I tried to move slowly to give her time to push me away if she didn't want me to do this. Instead, she took her hands away from me and leaned back to give me access to her body. I reached the bottom of her bra and ran my fingers around the underwire before I moved up and traced around the edge of the cups. She wore sort of a plunge bra and as my fingers moved around, I ended up touching the skin at the top of her breasts. Not sure if this is okay, I pulled my fingers back and cupped her over the bra.
She leaned against the back of the couch and I leaned in for another kiss. Her hands moved from my breast to my waist, and then, under my top, she started moving up my back. When she reached my bra strap, she moved her hands over it, back around to my front, and then stroked me through my bra. Again, my nipples gave me an electric shock each time her fingers moved over them.
I wanted to be able to touch both of her boobs and let her touch both of mine but sitting next to each other on the couch limited our access. I broke the kiss and asked her to move to my lap. She looked confused for a second then understood what I was asking. She slid over to me and straddled my legs. We resumed kissing but now, facing each other, we have better access and each of us started tracing circles around the other's nipples. We were both breathing heavily and, with her pelvis over mine, I wondered if she was getting as aroused as I was.
As we kissed and touched each other, I pondered what might be the next step? Is this enough for our first time playing together? Or, would we decide take off our tops? Or maybe take off our bras from under them. Or both. These were left as maybes on our list and I had no way to know what she was thinking now.
As we kissed and touched, I soon found out. Jaime's fingers dropped down to the hem of my top again and she started to pull it up. I realized that she is doing exactly what I wanted so I leaned forward to allow her to pull it up to my shoulders. I pulled my arms through the sleeves, yanked the top over my head, and tossed it aside. She didn't wait for my help and took off her top, tossing it to the floor.
I've never felt an attraction to boobs before. I'm certainly aware of my own--what they look like and how they feel. I religiously do my monthly self-exam and I touch them as I masturbate. But, unless there is something that makes them obvious like extreme size or visible nipples, I don't pay attention to what other women's look like. Until now. I looked at Jaime, straddling my lap with her face on the level of mine and I moved my eyes up and down over her. Her cleavage was visible over the top of her bra and I gazed at the smooth flesh. She appeared to be maybe one cup size bigger than me or maybe not and I admired her, thinking that they and she look perfect. I wondered what she might be thinking about me and mine.
Jaime's hands were on my shoulders but now she fingered my bra straps where they cross over my shoulders and then down toward the cups, then back up again. I wanted to touch her this way too but if I did, there may not be room for her hands and I absolutely didn't want her to stop. Instead, I held onto her back, walking my hand back and forth against her bra. I poked my index fingers under the back strap and moved them as far as I can, stretching the strap as I did.
Jaime was now at the top of my cups with a finger poking slightly in. Her whole hand didn't fit in but her fingers tried their best to seek entry. She looked me in the eyes, looked down to my bra and then back up to my eyes. I heard my voice answer what she may or may not have been asking. "Yes, please."
She nodded and reached behind me, unhooking the strap and then, running her fingers along the straps, reaches the top of my shoulder and eases them down. The cups fell away and she pulled my bra the rest of the way off. Like magnets, her fingers went right back to my boobs and she touched around the bare skin before cupping them. As we kissed, her fingers moved around my nipples and I was aware of the growing dampness in my panties.
I reached to the back of her bra to unhook it but Jaime wiggled away and dropped her head to my chest. She placed both hands to my left breast, raising it up and kissed around the areola and then on the nipple. She then did the same on the right one and then kissed back and forth. My nipples were screaming for her touch so I placed my hands behind her and held her mouth in place. She started to suckle me and I finally unhooked her bra and let it fall.
Soft. Smooth. Pretty. Touching her bare breasts for the first time--touching anyone's breasts other than my own for the first time--various words came to my mind but none stopped me from touching and finally kissing them. Jaime reacted like I did with soft moans.
All of my normal signs of arousal were there from heavy breathing to erect nipples to an engorged pelvis. It was the first time since my separation that another person had aroused me this way. If I had reached this point with a guy, there would be a high probability that we would go all the way. But Jaime and I had made a deal of one-step-at-a-time and hands-above-the-waist. We both knew that we weren't ready to go further than that. It's either stop now or take a really big risk.
Jaime must have been thinking along the same lines since she slid off of my lap and sat next to me on the couch pressing tightly against me. One hand was across my shoulder and the other was across my waist. We sat there holding each other and breathing heavily.
"If we don't stop now, we may to do something that neither of us is ready for" she finally told me.
"You're right. You've got me so horny that I want to keep going but that would be a mistake."
"I have you so horny? What the hell do you think you've been doing it me? Are you as soaked as I am cause I'm may have to borrow a towel to sit on when I drive home." We both giggled.
Neither of us made a move to get dressed so, sitting there topless, we had a really great talk about what we had done and how we felt about it. We were both aroused and both frustrated. More importantly though, neither of us felt any regret. Between kisses, we acknowledged that we had gone right up to the line we had set and we're both ready to stop.
And, we agreed that we had enjoyed ourselves and wanted to do this again. When we're ready, we may identify the next steps we might--might that is--want to take. For now, we both agreed that our feelings and our limits had been respected and that we had made a big step toward growing our trust. If we are going to keep experimenting, mutual respect and trust will be very important to both of us so were happy with that.
Giggling, we each confessed that we planned to masturbate before going to sleep and she pointed out that I had the advantage since I didn't have to drive home. "Next time we do this, it's my turn to be the home team" she joked.
Finally, she pulled her top on and stuck her bra in her purse. I left my bra on the couch but got dressed and walked with her to the door. We agreed to talk the next day and get together later in the week.
At the door, we kissed and hugged again and now braless, I was sensitive to our boobs rubbing against each other.
The door closed and I pulled off my clothes, fingering myself until I climaxed loudly.
* * * * *
Becca texted the next morning looking for details. I told her that Jaime and I had a nice time together and anything else was none of her business. She sent me a disappointed face emoji but dropped it.
